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Archive for June, 2015


Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 1!

Day 1: haven’t left yet.

I’m about to embark upon my “Moving My Girlfriend and Her Belongings Across the Country and Also Doing Shows Along the Way” comedy tour! And this is the official blog of that tour! Welcome to it! Every day for the next two weeks I’ll have a new top ten list of what’s been going on or is relevant or maybe new song lyrics I’ve written or pictures we’ve taken or maybe I’ll be too tired from driving and this will be the only entry… Only one way to find out! Or a couple probably.

1) Woke up. (That’s one of the top ten things I do almost every day!)

2) Finished cleaning my apartment to prepare for Kasey to move into it. The level of cleanliness I shoot for is where I can comfortably say to a visitor, “Sorry about the mess!” and they’ll be fine with it. A high bar, and I think I cleared it!

3) While cleaning, listened to latest magnum episode of Dan Savage’s podcast. My friend Ophira Eisenberg was on it! This tour is super fun!

4) Left my home! Stopped into the barber shop for a hot shave, which is something I do only on special occasions, like when my girlfriend hasn’t been near my face in over a month. Now our faces can be the nearest. (Also, put poetically, I got a hot shave because for my girlfriend, I the hots have. Hot shave = Hots have!)

5) Bought batteries for my digital recorder. THIS TOUR IS HEATING UP! Had to ask a sales person to unlock the battery display because I guess maybe you can use batteries to make meth now.

6) Arrived at Nunu, a lovely establishment where I put tea into my body and internet into my mind. The iced tea I’m drinking is called “Ruby Slipper.” Appropriate, because there’s no place like home, which is where the heart is, which is the reason for this tour. Homes and hearts combining. THIS ONE GOT MUSHY. THE POINT IS I’M DRINKING ICED TEA.

7) That’s pretty much all that’s happened so far today. To be fair, it is only 10am as I write this. Ooh, Top Ten at 10am! That’s something! Also, an unfinished list like this is Top Tentative. BOOM!

8) PS did you notice that “Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics!” is ten t-words? Those are the top ten words in the title of this tour topic tally.

9) As this list comes to a close, the tour comes to a start. Airport soon, then LA, then everywhere!

10) The final item on the list is a rhyme I sent Kasey this morning… I hope you enjoy it, too. It might become a song, or it might just be what it is. Here!

“today’s the day i fly away or fly towards, another way to say, i’m flying tour-words, writing more words, these exciting heights we soar for, and like how hobbits head for mordor, we head more for the adore-store, ’cause you’re more adorable than horrible, good courting? sure-sure! so as we set course for fortune, our cores powered by endorphins, powerful as mighty morphin’, and you might ask how much more fun can this be, this fantasy that’s born in our reality, our feet are loose, we’re fancy-free, except for flights of fancy, see? as we blast off, no blasphemy, a blast for you, a blast for me, a blast for everyone we see, so massively, enchantedly, so magically we’ll dance from sea to shining sea, you shine for me, my sun but one that isn’t blinding me, but makes me feel so mindfully, my mind fully in kindness, whee, so happy that we find this we, and soon we’ll wheel and ride and drive and see all things there are for yours and mine to be.”

So that’s that! We did it! The top one Top Ten list of Tour-Town! Thanks for sharing the experience. Hope to see you along the way if the tour is coming to your town. Feel free to let people know, follow the progress here or wherever, and enjoy your life as much as you want and can. See you!


Cross-Country Tour Starts This Weekend! CA, AZ, TX, LA, AL, SC, DC, CT, NY!