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Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 2!

Day 2: Arrived in LA!

Picking up where we left off yesterday…

1) Wrote my first Tour Top Ten. (Will every list start with the fact that I wrote the last list? Or will that get old fast? Can it stay young forever? Maybe if it works out? We could call it lex-ercising, or working on the voc-abs, or etymologymnastics. I think this is working out. Or wordking out. Word-King out!)

2) On the way to the airport, read that the person with the best vision in the world could discern a quarter-inch line from A MILE away. (Read that looking over someone’s shoulder two miles away.)

3) TSA didn’t find any weapons in my bags, which is good because I didn’t have any. Sometimes they don’t find the ones that ARE there (in general, not mine), so I worried that the reverse might happen: they do find ones that AREN’T there. But so far, laws of reality and logic remain intact. THIS TOUR IS NO THREAT TO THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM!

4) At the airport, chatted on the phone with great friend, comedian/rapper/human Zach Sherwin, who just put out a new great album called “Rap!” with AST Records. I recommend getting it, and not just because AST is TSA reversed (AST doesn’t search your belongings at all, and the TSA doesn’t release awesome rap comedy albums… yet).

5) When Zach asked how I was feeling, I started to tell him about the hot shave I had gotten earlier, and how in the moment and calm it made me feel, even with a blade at my throat, just being alive, knowing the reason for the shave was that I’d be seeing my lady later, but even that anticipation, that excitement, wasn’t the reason I was feeling good at that moment. That moment was about being there then. And this moment, sharing that zen-like experience with Zach was about being there then. (Or as ze French say, “zere zen.”) Sometime during my communicating this to Zach, experiencing this moment of connection with my friend, I realized ze call had dropped. So I called back and said “what’s the last part of the communication you experienced” and he said “oh buddy, I had just said ‘how are you feeling’ and then you were gone.'” Oh, moments of (dis)connection. So I re-lived the reliving I had just relived, and we were both relieved, and then we took our real leave.

6) Flew! Phew! (Phlew? Ew.) On the phlight, I watched the movie Focus. Enjoyed it. If you see it, make sure you watch closely because otherwise they might have tricked you into seeing a different movie. (It’s about con artists stealing and lying. Sleight of hand-ers manifesting the height of slanders… Not a perfect wordplay, but I think I spun buffoonerism from a fun spoonerism.)

7) Napped! I had asked Kasey if she wanted me to bring her anything from the airport, and she had said all she wanted was me, well-rested. So I delivered! I put on some Bill Evans, a musician she loves, and closed my eyes. Later I would tell her “I put on your favorite music and fell asleep to it; it was perfect.”

8) Arrived in LA! (LA = the first two letters of “laugh”! And if that makes you say “ugh,” then great, because that’s the rest of the word “laugh.”) My great friend, comedian/human Erin Judge picked me up at LAX with her husband Jesse, and we all went to Kasey’s dad’s home. You know, like you do.

9) Kasey’s dad’s home would soon be home to a going away party/informal show featuring many of her friends and loved ones. We ate Beanfield chips (awesome chips that I call faux-ritos, or Do(n’t)-ritos) and other foods that I don’t have cute names for. Kasey played the violin. Others sang and played and danced. Great friend (all friendship is great, so I may stop saying “great” every time so as to not make it meaningless, but it is true always!) Shane Mauss told a hilarious story about seeing Duck Dynasty: the Musical in Vegas. I did some free-styling with great (oops) beatboxer friend Shaun Fisher, and told some jokes. Then we played “Celebrity,” a real fun game where we learned who’s never heard of “Voldemort” and how difficult it can be to act out “Jon Stewart.” It was a real nice time. Then everyone left and now it’s now.

10) Finally, another rhymey thing I wrote to Kasey after I woke up this morning (oh, also I woke up… big event!):

“we are in the same bed, but not in the same head-state because my head’s awake, and your brain remains dead, or not quite dead, no need to be frightened, I just needed something that would rhyme, the idea could be tightened, because you are alive but sleeping, maybe feeling high in dreaming, hope my typing is all right, not biting into your brain’s seams and altering the scenes, not aiming to be scheming or deceiving, for you I just want the sweetest, whether you’re in dreams or leaving, any world that you’re believing, and you are my world, my sweet thing, soon you’ll wake just like the ache of a tooth like a baby’s teething, ’cause you are my baby though of course it may not ache to wake, those words are my mistake to make, so let us rise like dough we bake, and plant and reap and sow our fate, for soon we hit the road on ways to somewhere we don’t know this place, but not like feeling “whoa, displaced,” there’s no disgrace, it’s not a race, it’s just a path into the future from this moment, lots of grace, hip-hop hooray, it’s on display, i might not ever stop today, except of course when you exit your dream, no rush, at your own rate, come out and play. (can’t wait to see your opposite of pouting face.)”

We’re getting going! Wheeeeeeee! Thanks for reading these things! Tonight is the first official-ish show of the tour… 10pm at Taix in Echo Park. See you there, or here!


Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset


Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 1!

Day 1: haven’t left yet.

I’m about to embark upon my “Moving My Girlfriend and Her Belongings Across the Country and Also Doing Shows Along the Way” comedy tour! And this is the official blog of that tour! Welcome to it! Every day for the next two weeks I’ll have a new top ten list of what’s been going on or is relevant or maybe new song lyrics I’ve written or pictures we’ve taken or maybe I’ll be too tired from driving and this will be the only entry… Only one way to find out! Or a couple probably.

1) Woke up. (That’s one of the top ten things I do almost every day!)

2) Finished cleaning my apartment to prepare for Kasey to move into it. The level of cleanliness I shoot for is where I can comfortably say to a visitor, “Sorry about the mess!” and they’ll be fine with it. A high bar, and I think I cleared it!

3) While cleaning, listened to latest magnum episode of Dan Savage’s podcast. My friend Ophira Eisenberg was on it! This tour is super fun!

4) Left my home! Stopped into the barber shop for a hot shave, which is something I do only on special occasions, like when my girlfriend hasn’t been near my face in over a month. Now our faces can be the nearest. (Also, put poetically, I got a hot shave because for my girlfriend, I the hots have. Hot shave = Hots have!)

5) Bought batteries for my digital recorder. THIS TOUR IS HEATING UP! Had to ask a sales person to unlock the battery display because I guess maybe you can use batteries to make meth now.

6) Arrived at Nunu, a lovely establishment where I put tea into my body and internet into my mind. The iced tea I’m drinking is called “Ruby Slipper.” Appropriate, because there’s no place like home, which is where the heart is, which is the reason for this tour. Homes and hearts combining. THIS ONE GOT MUSHY. THE POINT IS I’M DRINKING ICED TEA.

7) That’s pretty much all that’s happened so far today. To be fair, it is only 10am as I write this. Ooh, Top Ten at 10am! That’s something! Also, an unfinished list like this is Top Tentative. BOOM!

8) PS did you notice that “Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics!” is ten t-words? Those are the top ten words in the title of this tour topic tally.

9) As this list comes to a close, the tour comes to a start. Airport soon, then LA, then everywhere!

10) The final item on the list is a rhyme I sent Kasey this morning… I hope you enjoy it, too. It might become a song, or it might just be what it is. Here!

“today’s the day i fly away or fly towards, another way to say, i’m flying tour-words, writing more words, these exciting heights we soar for, and like how hobbits head for mordor, we head more for the adore-store, ’cause you’re more adorable than horrible, good courting? sure-sure! so as we set course for fortune, our cores powered by endorphins, powerful as mighty morphin’, and you might ask how much more fun can this be, this fantasy that’s born in our reality, our feet are loose, we’re fancy-free, except for flights of fancy, see? as we blast off, no blasphemy, a blast for you, a blast for me, a blast for everyone we see, so massively, enchantedly, so magically we’ll dance from sea to shining sea, you shine for me, my sun but one that isn’t blinding me, but makes me feel so mindfully, my mind fully in kindness, whee, so happy that we find this we, and soon we’ll wheel and ride and drive and see all things there are for yours and mine to be.”

So that’s that! We did it! The top one Top Ten list of Tour-Town! Thanks for sharing the experience. Hope to see you along the way if the tour is coming to your town. Feel free to let people know, follow the progress here or wherever, and enjoy your life as much as you want and can. See you!


Cross-Country Tour Starts This Weekend! CA, AZ, TX, LA, AL, SC, DC, CT, NY!



Brandeis Now interviewed me recently. Or Brandeis Recently interviews me NOW!


I was asked some questions and I answered them.

I like this interview! You can too.

Enjoy whatever you are doing. If you want.


Pi Chart-Topping Album! (My album is in the top pi albums of the year!)


Thanks to this website and the human behind the robot for naming “Small, Dork, and Handsome” as one of the top three albums of the year!

“Myq Kaplan is fast, smart and calculated. He has released three albums (and a musical comedy album with Micah Sherman which is also very funny), each better than the last. His latest album is whip quick with tons of puns and jokes about time travel, working in a coffee shop, and religion. Myq’s delivery is machine-gun quick to match his wit. Definitely worth listening to a few times over.”

Merry happiness always, everyone!