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Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 5!

Day 5: the most driving happens! Also some other things!

1) Had breakfast on Tuesday at Lovin’ Spoonfuls. Used a fork. Realized I had eaten at this restaurant before or all vegan places look alike. Looked back through my phone to realize I performed in this town about a year ago. Welcome back, me(mories)!

2) Had a chamomile mint iced tea at Revolutionary Grounds, a coffeeshop and bookstore. Kasey bought us a Real Food Daily cookbook, based on recipes used by an LA-based restaurant we like. It’ll be like we never left! Except it will cost less!

3) Emailed with a pen pal who shared a fun quote from Rick and Morty: “Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty.” That quote is from Rick from Rick and Morty to Morty from Rick and Morty. Saying the words “Rick and Morty” so much is running their meaningfulness into the ground, which now makes me wonder if their names’ similarity to “rigor mortis” is intended. Also, this pen pal once shared a story that I like a lot, and that I now share with you:

4) Stopped at a used bookstore called Bookman’s. Was proud they had a Pride section.


6) Ate dinner at Tasteful Kitchen. It WAS one! Met a previously-only-Facebook (friend of a) friend/now current real-life friend, who in various incarnations of his existence has created Hallmark cards, Cryptic crosswords, probably some less cryptic crosswords, and all kinds of word fun. Good guy! Good times!

7) Did a show at the Flycatcher! The other comics were fun and nice: Andrew Horneman, Bethany Evans, and Kevin William Lee. Lots of people had cool tattoos, including one bartender who had an owl on his arm that he told me got put there during a show as part of the show, in about seven minutes. HOOOOOOOOO. (I would have said that even if it wasn’t owl-related.)

8) Stopped in at a nearby co-op that was open after the show. Purchased many fun snacks for the next day’s drive. Went home. Finally watched last episode of Game of Thrones. Slept. Woke. Then…

9) Drove for 12 or 13 hours! Saw goats, cows, and rainbows. Almost ran out of gas… stopped in at what could have been an abandoned old gas station with antique pumps that turned out to be an ALMOST abandoned old gas station with antique pumps. The proprietor was just closing up when we rolled in and asked if the pumps were operational. He said “they can be if you’re almost out,” and we were, so they were. Thank you, fine human! Made it to Austin in record time! (Records are much slower than CDs or streaming, right?) We’re there! Whee!

10) Wrote Kasey this head-rhyme while preparing for bedtime:

“almost in Austin, always in awesome, almost got lost ’cause our GPS boss was accosted by out of range-ness, it’s a strange mess, just inconvenient though, not too dangerous… and now we made it! there was some lag time in between now and the starting of that rhyme, we did some mad driving before some glad arriving, now we can move on to this straight from that thriving, onto this nighttime thing, my brain might write nine things that are the same ’cause it’s fried, not quite right rhyming, almost the tight line king, out go the lights, time, ding! so good night for now my love, you’re my lifeline thing.”

And that was the past day or so, you know, who’s counting except me and you and whoever?

"Where's the drank ticket?" @myqkaplan

A photo posted by Kasey Holt (@kaseycarolyn) on


Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 4!

Day 4: Driving has commenced!

1) Drank tea. I feel good when I’m drinking tea. It never seems like a waste of time. Like playing music, writing songs, recording them. I can’t imagine being on my death bed and having regrets like “I made too much music! And took too many sips of tea!”

2) Went to pick up rental car. I’m a Gold member, which means I’ve seen at least one Austin Powers movie. We had to decide between a reasonable-sized car that PROBABLY would fit all of Kasey’s things and a larger one that definitely would. But what is an adventure without mystery!

3) Picked up donuts for Kasey’s dad, as a thanks for letting us stay with him. Note: if you don’t like donuts, you could spell them “doughnuts” because that puts the “ugh” in donuts.

4) Packed up the car. Everything fit! As long as no one drives behind us that we need to see, we’ll be fine!

5) We said good-bye to Kasey’s family. Her dad told me to take care of his baby. Then he handed me a baby. Oh no! It doesn’t fit in the car. A joke! It DOES fit. A joke! Kasey is the baby he’s talking about. I will take care of her. Also she will take care of me. It will be like an MC Escher drawing of infinite stairs, but instead, infinite cares. THIS ONE BECAME ADORABLE. A-TOUR-ABLE!

6) Considered renaming the tour “The A-Tour-able!” instead of the “Moving My Girlfriend Across the Country and Also Doing Shows Along the Way” comedy tour. But I already had the poster made. Thanks, Joe Karg! (Everyone look at great friend Joe Karg’s wonderful work not just on my posters but so many other people’s posters and albums.)

7) Stopped in at Veggie Grill on the way out of town to pick up lunch. Ate that lunch. It’s great! Eat at that place, everyone who can and wants! THIS LIST ITEM CONTAINS NO JOKES! EXCEPT FOR THIS FAUX YELLING AT THE END, PERHAPS!

8) Drove 7.5 hours! Saw beautiful rock formations. Saw cool-looking sand dunes. Saw purple mountains! Majesty! Like that song says. That Prince, Purple… wait, that’s rain. Not mountains. I was so close. “Prince” is a kind of royalty that one might call “Majesty.” It’s on the tip of my tongue. My type-tongue. My tip-top type-tongue. My fingers. Anyway, purple mountains look really cool!

9) Arrived at Kasey’s cousin’s home in Tucson! Hooray! Tour, son! Tucson! It’s working! There’s a big dog here and several regular-sized cats. There’s internet and a nice shower and art and plants. I like Tucson! “What’s Tucson like?” “So far, there’s internet, showers, art, and plants. What more could you want?” Let’s find out!

10) In conclusion for today’s entry, here is a loose Tucson-inspired rhyme time I wrote to Kasey just before she woke:

“we’re in tucson! here’s a new song for you to chew on, once you wake before too long. what a fine crew to cruise yon to new dawns, having salads with or without croutons, purchased with or without coupons, asking passing limos if they’ve got any grey poupons (is that a reference that’s been too long and should be too gone, if you want newer references, okay, i’ll do one), and those limos are self-driving cars, they’re called Google-trons (oh, you haven’t heard of those yet? too soon? on a literal meaning of too soon, that’s a too-new one, so let me do a not-too-new one, like for goldilocks shouting “the just-right soup’s on!”), point is we’ll get our own mustard, not grey or to poop on, we’ll listen to fun music like that Shoop song, or a new one, we’ll drive across the country doing what i and you want, oohin’ and aahin’ at each place, then we cruise on and on, toolin’ along, not for too long, the point is right now, we’re in tucson. i love you! done.”

And look at this nice photo Kasey took of these nice rocks she arranged. If you like nice things.


Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 3!

Day 3: Leaving LA

1) Watched some Grace & Frankie on Netflix while getting ready in the morning. My great friend Baron Vaughn is on the show. Watch it and him wherever he goes!

2) Kasey took me out to breakfast/lunch (wish there was some way of efficiently combining those… Kasey sometimes calls it “blunch,” and I like that) at Veggie Grill. I had the harvest bowl and it was SOW good. If we weren’t leaving today I might make it a REAP-eat performance. (Harvest jokes! Enjoy harvesting these jokes and saving them for comedy winter.)

3) Sat and drank iced tea and used the internet at Caffe Vita, or as I don’t call it, Iced Tea Vita. Caffe/café can mean coffee or a place to drink coffee. Don’t get those confused, or you might end up typing on your laptop inside a big mug of coffee. THESE TOUR BLOGS ARE NOT ONLY INFORMATIVE BUT ALSO HELPFUL AND PRACTICAL.

4) Got some comic books for me and an Ernest Hemingway book for Kasey, for the road. She’s never read Hemingway before. I HAVE read comic books.

5) Went to Griffith Park. Practiced my tai chi, as well as practicing not caring about people walking by watching me practice my tai chi.

6) Walked a bit. Sat and read. I’m in the middle of Peter Singer’s “The Most Good You Can Do,” sequel to “The Life You Can Save.” Both highly recommended. IT’S NOT JUST COMIC BOOKS, SEE? ALSO NO JUDGMENT ON COMIC BOOKS. ‘MAUS’ WON A PULITZER PRIZE.

7) Had dinner at Cafe Gratitude (a restaurant, not a big mug of coffee and thanks… maybe a big mug of thanks, metaphorically) with Shane Mauss (unrelated to the Pulitzer-prize winning graphic novel, I think… he’s a human, not a book). Shane ate vegan tacos that he thought might be better than his favorite non-vegan tacos that he had had EARLIER THAT VERY DAY.

8) Went to Taix in Echo Park, for friend Zach Sherwin’s show “French Toast,” the first “official” show of this tour! Other friends on the show included Brent Weinbach, Jessica Michelle Singleton, Ramin Nazer, Robert Buscemi, Louie Katz, and Shane. SHANE IS ALL OVER THIS BLOG… HE BETTER NOT FOLLOW TO TUCSON. I mean, that would be cool if he did. (Also, get Shane’s new album, “My Big Break”! About breaking both his heels. And other things. Also get everyone else’s albums. They’re all good!)

9) Performed comedy! Also did some free-styling with Zach and NEW friend Ross Bryant. Zach rhymed his name with Frost Giant and then a lot of Norse fun was had. (A natural rhyme for ‘Norse fun’? I don’t want to force none.)

10) Went to sleep. Woke up. Wrote this rhyme to Kasey as she dealt with the final stages of packing:

“You’re packing. Checking factions of data and facts, making certain that nothing is lacking. What things need to come and which ones aren’t pack-things? Taking more than a fraction of action. Pretty soon we will be getting cracking. On and popping like with snapping and crackling. Making sounds like we’re scatting. Because “scat,” we are out of here, scattering, we’re up to bat and we’re battering flattering smatterings of all the happenings, feet pitter-pattering, all kinds of happy things, like, batter up, a pancake is unflattening, and we can wake and can take all that’s happening, racking up stackings of packings like hot cakes, mistakes we will not make, or if we do that’s okay we’ve still got cake, and that means ourselves, whatever belongings we have can’t compare to our wells of serenity, bells and whistles are the enemy, physical things do not matter, we’re plenty prepared, there’s no need to be scared, our identities locked into place, there’s no frenzy, just friends-y, see? And in reality there are no nemeses, just a realization that can set us free… no one is naturally special, especially, but we can nurture a specialness when we see… also YOU’re naturally special, just sent to me right from the universe, that’s what it says to me. Point is, no thing matters, and there’s just ecstasy, though I do get why packing can seem so hecka hectic-y, things can get sticky and messy but hopefully you can see we click the best, fully put to the test and you don’t need this text to know whatever happens, we’re leaving the west, and each part’s the best part, every start a restart, as we start, I complete you this leaving west-art, my yes-heart.”

We’re about to hit the road! See? See you!


Farewell, Long Beach. Greetings, Brooklyn.

A photo posted by Kasey Holt (@kaseycarolyn) on


Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 2!

Day 2: Arrived in LA!

Picking up where we left off yesterday…

1) Wrote my first Tour Top Ten. (Will every list start with the fact that I wrote the last list? Or will that get old fast? Can it stay young forever? Maybe if it works out? We could call it lex-ercising, or working on the voc-abs, or etymologymnastics. I think this is working out. Or wordking out. Word-King out!)

2) On the way to the airport, read that the person with the best vision in the world could discern a quarter-inch line from A MILE away. (Read that looking over someone’s shoulder two miles away.)

3) TSA didn’t find any weapons in my bags, which is good because I didn’t have any. Sometimes they don’t find the ones that ARE there (in general, not mine), so I worried that the reverse might happen: they do find ones that AREN’T there. But so far, laws of reality and logic remain intact. THIS TOUR IS NO THREAT TO THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM!

4) At the airport, chatted on the phone with great friend, comedian/rapper/human Zach Sherwin, who just put out a new great album called “Rap!” with AST Records. I recommend getting it, and not just because AST is TSA reversed (AST doesn’t search your belongings at all, and the TSA doesn’t release awesome rap comedy albums… yet).

5) When Zach asked how I was feeling, I started to tell him about the hot shave I had gotten earlier, and how in the moment and calm it made me feel, even with a blade at my throat, just being alive, knowing the reason for the shave was that I’d be seeing my lady later, but even that anticipation, that excitement, wasn’t the reason I was feeling good at that moment. That moment was about being there then. And this moment, sharing that zen-like experience with Zach was about being there then. (Or as ze French say, “zere zen.”) Sometime during my communicating this to Zach, experiencing this moment of connection with my friend, I realized ze call had dropped. So I called back and said “what’s the last part of the communication you experienced” and he said “oh buddy, I had just said ‘how are you feeling’ and then you were gone.'” Oh, moments of (dis)connection. So I re-lived the reliving I had just relived, and we were both relieved, and then we took our real leave.

6) Flew! Phew! (Phlew? Ew.) On the phlight, I watched the movie Focus. Enjoyed it. If you see it, make sure you watch closely because otherwise they might have tricked you into seeing a different movie. (It’s about con artists stealing and lying. Sleight of hand-ers manifesting the height of slanders… Not a perfect wordplay, but I think I spun buffoonerism from a fun spoonerism.)

7) Napped! I had asked Kasey if she wanted me to bring her anything from the airport, and she had said all she wanted was me, well-rested. So I delivered! I put on some Bill Evans, a musician she loves, and closed my eyes. Later I would tell her “I put on your favorite music and fell asleep to it; it was perfect.”

8) Arrived in LA! (LA = the first two letters of “laugh”! And if that makes you say “ugh,” then great, because that’s the rest of the word “laugh.”) My great friend, comedian/human Erin Judge picked me up at LAX with her husband Jesse, and we all went to Kasey’s dad’s home. You know, like you do.

9) Kasey’s dad’s home would soon be home to a going away party/informal show featuring many of her friends and loved ones. We ate Beanfield chips (awesome chips that I call faux-ritos, or Do(n’t)-ritos) and other foods that I don’t have cute names for. Kasey played the violin. Others sang and played and danced. Great friend (all friendship is great, so I may stop saying “great” every time so as to not make it meaningless, but it is true always!) Shane Mauss told a hilarious story about seeing Duck Dynasty: the Musical in Vegas. I did some free-styling with great (oops) beatboxer friend Shaun Fisher, and told some jokes. Then we played “Celebrity,” a real fun game where we learned who’s never heard of “Voldemort” and how difficult it can be to act out “Jon Stewart.” It was a real nice time. Then everyone left and now it’s now.

10) Finally, another rhymey thing I wrote to Kasey after I woke up this morning (oh, also I woke up… big event!):

“we are in the same bed, but not in the same head-state because my head’s awake, and your brain remains dead, or not quite dead, no need to be frightened, I just needed something that would rhyme, the idea could be tightened, because you are alive but sleeping, maybe feeling high in dreaming, hope my typing is all right, not biting into your brain’s seams and altering the scenes, not aiming to be scheming or deceiving, for you I just want the sweetest, whether you’re in dreams or leaving, any world that you’re believing, and you are my world, my sweet thing, soon you’ll wake just like the ache of a tooth like a baby’s teething, ’cause you are my baby though of course it may not ache to wake, those words are my mistake to make, so let us rise like dough we bake, and plant and reap and sow our fate, for soon we hit the road on ways to somewhere we don’t know this place, but not like feeling “whoa, displaced,” there’s no disgrace, it’s not a race, it’s just a path into the future from this moment, lots of grace, hip-hop hooray, it’s on display, i might not ever stop today, except of course when you exit your dream, no rush, at your own rate, come out and play. (can’t wait to see your opposite of pouting face.)”

We’re getting going! Wheeeeeeee! Thanks for reading these things! Tonight is the first official-ish show of the tour… 10pm at Taix in Echo Park. See you there, or here!


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Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics! Take 1!

Day 1: haven’t left yet.

I’m about to embark upon my “Moving My Girlfriend and Her Belongings Across the Country and Also Doing Shows Along the Way” comedy tour! And this is the official blog of that tour! Welcome to it! Every day for the next two weeks I’ll have a new top ten list of what’s been going on or is relevant or maybe new song lyrics I’ve written or pictures we’ve taken or maybe I’ll be too tired from driving and this will be the only entry… Only one way to find out! Or a couple probably.

1) Woke up. (That’s one of the top ten things I do almost every day!)

2) Finished cleaning my apartment to prepare for Kasey to move into it. The level of cleanliness I shoot for is where I can comfortably say to a visitor, “Sorry about the mess!” and they’ll be fine with it. A high bar, and I think I cleared it!

3) While cleaning, listened to latest magnum episode of Dan Savage’s podcast. My friend Ophira Eisenberg was on it! This tour is super fun!

4) Left my home! Stopped into the barber shop for a hot shave, which is something I do only on special occasions, like when my girlfriend hasn’t been near my face in over a month. Now our faces can be the nearest. (Also, put poetically, I got a hot shave because for my girlfriend, I the hots have. Hot shave = Hots have!)

5) Bought batteries for my digital recorder. THIS TOUR IS HEATING UP! Had to ask a sales person to unlock the battery display because I guess maybe you can use batteries to make meth now.

6) Arrived at Nunu, a lovely establishment where I put tea into my body and internet into my mind. The iced tea I’m drinking is called “Ruby Slipper.” Appropriate, because there’s no place like home, which is where the heart is, which is the reason for this tour. Homes and hearts combining. THIS ONE GOT MUSHY. THE POINT IS I’M DRINKING ICED TEA.

7) That’s pretty much all that’s happened so far today. To be fair, it is only 10am as I write this. Ooh, Top Ten at 10am! That’s something! Also, an unfinished list like this is Top Tentative. BOOM!

8) PS did you notice that “Today’s Totally Terrific Tantalizingly Tallied Top Ten Tour Tale Topics!” is ten t-words? Those are the top ten words in the title of this tour topic tally.

9) As this list comes to a close, the tour comes to a start. Airport soon, then LA, then everywhere!

10) The final item on the list is a rhyme I sent Kasey this morning… I hope you enjoy it, too. It might become a song, or it might just be what it is. Here!

“today’s the day i fly away or fly towards, another way to say, i’m flying tour-words, writing more words, these exciting heights we soar for, and like how hobbits head for mordor, we head more for the adore-store, ’cause you’re more adorable than horrible, good courting? sure-sure! so as we set course for fortune, our cores powered by endorphins, powerful as mighty morphin’, and you might ask how much more fun can this be, this fantasy that’s born in our reality, our feet are loose, we’re fancy-free, except for flights of fancy, see? as we blast off, no blasphemy, a blast for you, a blast for me, a blast for everyone we see, so massively, enchantedly, so magically we’ll dance from sea to shining sea, you shine for me, my sun but one that isn’t blinding me, but makes me feel so mindfully, my mind fully in kindness, whee, so happy that we find this we, and soon we’ll wheel and ride and drive and see all things there are for yours and mine to be.”

So that’s that! We did it! The top one Top Ten list of Tour-Town! Thanks for sharing the experience. Hope to see you along the way if the tour is coming to your town. Feel free to let people know, follow the progress here or wherever, and enjoy your life as much as you want and can. See you!